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if you wanna see if a girl really loves you file a restraining order against her. Only the real ones will break into your house to be with you anyway. More tips like this in my new book "12 rules for life"

I've never had sex. I've only ever had one sec

holy shit! the thumbnail of this youtube video has a girl with huge breasts on it. I should click it, so I'll see the breasts

what do I listen to? I just type in "music" into bing and click on the first song

bitches don’t know alpha. I’m a bitch who knows alpha. You’re not alpha. I’m alpha. Every day I wake up before the cock, before the crow, before the cock, and I go take a piss in the chinese restaurant across the street from my apartment. It’s the closest restroom to me. I don’t flush. Because I know. I know that the next person to use this restroom will be me again later in the morning after I’ve drank a half liter of cherry coke. That’s how early I get up. I don’t need to flush. It’s gonna be me again it’s not gonna be anyone else. Who gets Chinese food for breakfast? Probably not even the chinese. It’s gonna be me. two pees one flush, starring seven seagall. That’s me. That’s alpha. Alpha

"fuck this. fuck all of this" I say, but I'm pointing at my dick

oh boy I hope no one casts a spell on me while I'm jerking off

climbing to the top of a six member radiohead forum and then quitting to try and climb to the top of real life instead. After real life, an Animal Collective forum

has nobody noticed the linguistic similarity between crush culture, crunch culture, and cringe culture. Not even to mention cancel culture. What is the deal?

While walking down the street today, a man eating ramen noodles saw me, mumbled something or other "looking son of a bitch" and then moved to the other side of the street. I didn't quite make out the first word of his insult but I think making me guess is the biggest insult of all. Props to that man

mom patting you on the head and saying "well *I* think you're based sweetie"

instead of guns they're going to engineer new breeds of dogs that vomit bullets at gun-speeds when you jerk them off. This is how guns are now. You jerk off dogs at people and they still got shot like if you shot them with a regular gun

do you remember like five years ago where there were all those memes about minecraft youtubers being important and having a lot of power and cultural relevance. Those memes became real life

I've never seen a woman in a maid outfit. It's a dude-only fit

We at Pfizer are proud to announce that we have created the first homophobic breed of dog

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we at pfizer are proud to announce that we got bored of the coronavirus vaccine and stopped working on it. We've been getting really into dog breeding now.

I can't think of a way to phrase this as a funny joke but I'm sincerely worried that the events of this month are going to be used, and in fact are already being used, as a pretense to expand the surveillance state, reinstate public trust in the FBI and the police, and increase mass censorship of the media and internet, all under the guise of stopping right-wing extremism. it's like the patriot act all over again. People I know in real life are cheering on the FBI and saluting police officers and soldiers at the capitol and I can't help but think that the capitol insurrection set us back 20 years, and all of the anti-government sentiment we were seeing last year has seemingly vanished. The Shock Doctrine has reared its ugly head once more

haven't taken a bath or shower since amphibia went on break

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