Here is a little except of Ashe's story. It's a small portion of a big I wrote last night that I thought would make a good little glimpse into the story.

@araneaserket I don't know exactly what type of, like, remarks you expect from people reading this? It is nice, and it reads pretty well despite me not being in the most focusy state

there are a couple of sentences that I think could benefit from a little re-arranging? If that makes sense? Like, it's nothing big, there were just a couple of times where I told myself "this could be mentionned before this to sound a little more natural, stuff like that

@caffeinatedComposer This is just an excerpt, just to give a taste. I don't really need feedback on this small part, I need it on the full piece once I've typed it up. I just wrote a thing one night and decided it sounded good as a small excerpt and typed it up the next night.

Otherwise, yeah, one of the things I always struggle on is the correct arrangement of certain things to sound natural. Quite a lot of the paragraphs I wrote I spent several minutes rearranging things to see if they felt right or not, so I'm not even sure if they ended up that way or if they were right the way I had them.

@araneaserket yeah, makes sense
it is tricky + what sounds natural to someone may not to someone else, so like
but yeah, like, sure, I could always find things to say, but that definitely did not feel, like, tedious or too dense, etc. I think you did good, that was nice


@caffeinatedComposer I'm glad! I actually really like how it came out, especially compared to what I originally had written on paper. I feel like it does everything I wanted it to a lot better without actually changing anything about it, just how it's presented.

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